Breathe In
by WaterSpirit1
Summary: Who is the one to haunt Matt's last thoughts on earth? A series of memories flood back to him of the most important person in his life. MattxNear, Oneshot. Warning: Death Note anime spoilers. Rating is just to be on the safe side, nothing explicit.


Disclaimer: I don't own Deathnote or anything affiliated with it (if I did it would have turned out very differently, believe me)

**Breathe In**

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* * *

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His parents had been cruelly taken from him. Then, he had been taken from his home. And now, his small hand being held in a larger one, he was standing on the doorstep of an unfamiliar orphanage. Tears stained his face, leaving tracks along his cheeks. The man holding his hand led him to a large, cold room with toys strewn around it and told him to wait there.

Matt stood, rubbing his face with his sleeve. A soft clicking sound came from across the room, and he suddenly noticed another little boy sitting there with a robot in his hand. He hadn't noticed the boy immediately as his white clothing and hair had caused him to be lost in the similarly coloured wall behind him.

"Hello," he ventured in a small voice. The other boy made no movement that acknowledged his presence. He tried again, a bit louder this time, taking a step towards the other child who seemed to be around his own age, "Hello."

The boy in white looked up now. Matt almost took a step back in fright. The boy's eyes were hollow pools of grey. The boy looked how Matt imagined an angel would look but those eyes were deadly; they could see right through him from the first instant. "Hello." His voice was quiet and flat, "Are you crying?"

Matt was taken aback and he pressed his hands to his eyes again, trying to hold back tears. "N-no," he stuttered.

"I see," was the other's measured, calm response. It seemed a strange thing for a child of only about six or seven to say, now that Matt thought about it, but back then, it hadn't even occurred to him. "Are you here to stay?"

"Maybe. I-I don't know," the small red-head began to cry again, afraid of the unknown future that awaited him.

His lifeless eyes searched Matt a little longer before concluding, "My name is Near." And with that statement he turned back to his toy robot.

"My…my name is…," Matt couldn't quite get the words out before the man was back to collect him from the room. He could hardly breathe through the sobs that wracked his body. That was his first impression of Whammy's Orphanage; a strange, beautiful boy with dead eyes and the taste of salt.

* * *

Matt soon discovered that video games were the only thing that could get him through the long, sleepless nights. They let him escape into a virtual world, one so far removed from his own, and the light of the screen drowned out the darkness around him. By the age of eight he already possessed the skill to beat basically every game he encountered but, still, they were useful in distracting him from the monotony of Whammy's.

One night, sitting on the couch in the playroom, he was playing his hardest game for the thirty-first time when he noticed a ghostly apparition sit down beside him on the sofa.

"Why is Matt awake? It's past lights out," the soft voice echoed rather eerily in the cavernous room.

"Couldn't sleep. I could ask you the same thing though, Near." Matt didn't look away from his game, but then again, he didn't need to. He recognised the boy next to him immediately, not by sight or even the sound of his voice, but simply by the feeling he got when Near had sat down.

"I would have to give the same answer as Matt." At this, Matt's eyes flickered from the screen up to Near's emotionless face. He regarded the Albino boy with interest for a moment before returning to his game, his fingers never ceasing their endless tapping. Near seemed to enjoy referring to Matt in the third person and all of their conversations had to bear this odd phrasing.

"Why can't you sleep, Near?" he asked casually.

The boy drew his knees to his chest, one finger twirling a strand of white hair around and around. "Bad dreams."

"Oh, you mean like nightmares? Yeah, I get those too." Matt almost shuddered at the remembrance of these dreams. They were horrific and almost always contained some gruesome his parents. But he continued talking casually as if nothing ever affected him; it was how he coped from day to day. "I play games when I can't sleep. What do you do when you have nightmares?"

Near looked at Matt blankly, seemingly mulling the question over in his mind. "Nothing."

Matt lost his concentration for a second, his fingers paused motionless above the buttons and the screen flashed the words 'game over' at him. He ignored it, watching the other boy closely. "What do you mean 'nothing'?" he asked curiously.

"I lie there and wait for morning," Near said impassively. Matt was struck by the image of the little boy, who always seemed so fragile, lying awake and frightened in his bed, waiting for the first rays of sunlight to break through the suffocating darkness.

"If you ever get scared, you know you can come and find me," he said, kindly smiling at the boy who simply looked back at him, unchanged. Matt didn't know why he did it and even now he would never know what possessed him to befriend the lifeless angel, but impulsively he grabbed the other's hand and pulled him off the couch and towards the hallway. "Come on, I'll show you where my room is so you can find it."

Near stayed with him that night, never saying another word. He fell asleep with Matt's innocent little arms wrapped around him protectively and their breathing intermingling as they slumbered peacefully. From then on, they shared an unspoken bond that no one else would ever know.

* * *

Mello kicked the young boy again, this time hard enough for the small boy in white to be thrown back against the dice tower he had constructed, sending the small cubes flying in all directions. Near would not fight back and Matt couldn't understand why he didn't defend himself. The most the younger boy would do was raise his arms in front of his face as Mello landed another blow. Matt couldn't stand it any longer. His allegiance lay with Mello, the stronger one of the pack who ordered him about in a way that Matt was content with, but he knew this was wrong. And lingering there inside him, somewhere unknown, was always the deep desire to protect the fragile angel.

"Mello, stop it," he called out lazily to the blonde boy, refusing to shift his exterior façade that did not care for the world.

"Why are you sticking up for him? Look at him! He's pathetic!" Mello retorted, disgust evident in his voice. He looked down at the small boy, who simply looked back with those blank eyes which irked Mello to no end. "Stop staring at me like that!" he yelled, raising his hand to strike again.

"Like what?" Near's voice never faltered from its usual monotone, leaving Matt unsure whether he asked the question innocently or whether he was subtly mocking Mello. With his intellect though, it was probably the latter.

"You freak!" Mello began beating the boy again, his fury palpable this time. Blood began to trickle from Near's nose. Matt closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, knowing that what he was about to do would be painful. He would pay for it now and later.

Pocketed his precious gameboy, he stood up and walked across the room. "Oi, Mello!"

"What, Matt?" the blonde turned, viewing Matt with an exasperated look, not expecting to be punched square in the face by the red-head. For a moment, Mello was stunned but quickly regained pace as his fury suddenly directed itself at Matt, leaving him on the floor with a bruised eye as the blonde boy stormed off muttering, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Matt groaned, rubbing his face as he attempted to bring himself to a sitting position. Glancing at Near, he found that the boy was calming sitting there, blood dripping down his chin and onto the front of his shirt. He extended a hand towards Matt, opening his fist to reveal two dice slightly smeared with blood. Matt gave Near a crooked smile, taking the gift of thanks.

"No problem," he replied to the silent look of gratitude in the boy's eyes. Matt was coming to very much like those eyes.

* * *

It must have been a year or so later, when they were around thirteen years old, when they'd been sitting together in Matt's room in one of their quiet moments, which existed only when Mello couldn't be found. Matt lay on the bed with his legs halfway up the wall and his head off the edge of the bed as he attempted to play his games semi-upside down. Near sat on the floor, calmly putting together a puzzle piece by piece. They had found that they shared a friendship which didn't always need words but instead simply craved the company.

With the blood rushing to his head becoming to much, Matt righted himself and, sitting on the bed, watched as Near tipped his puzzled upside down for the ninth time, letting the pieces fall back to the floor so he could begin constructing it all over again. "Don't you get bored of that?"

Near looked up and Matt could almost swear he saw a hint of amusement in those dark eyes, as he asked, "Doesn't Matt get bored of his games?"

Matt just stared at the boy, the light of his forgotten game reflecting off his goggles, creating a mirror effect. He'd been wearing them for several years now, only sometimes removing them to sleep. The other boy frowned momentarily, a strange thing for him to do, but Matt hadn't thought at the time. Indeed when Near started speaking, he found it hard to concentrate on anything at all but the closing distance between them.

"I don't like Matt's goggles. They make his face too hard to read." Near stood up slowly, seating himself across from Matt on the bed. "I can't even remember what Matt's eyes look like."

Matt knew he could have done something, anything to prevent what he felt was about to happen. He could have brushed Near's hand away when he reached forward to pull the goggles gently away from his eyes, leaving them to fall around his neck. But he didn't. He couldn't have even if he'd wanted to.

Instead he sat there, staring at the boy across from him. Near's hands dropped back to the bed. His eyes were looking straight into Matt's deep green ones leaving nowhere for the older boy to hide. The silence between them was like a dark abyss. Matt could only hear the sound of his own uneven breathing and the blood pounding in his ears. He was drowning in the depths of those grey eyes. Suddenly, Matt leaned forward, grasping Near's hands in his own and pressing his lips to the other's for a moment before pulling away embarrassedly. If Near was able to look surprised, that was probably as close as he was ever going to get.

"S-sorry," he mumbled, about to release his grip on Near's hands but they were gently pulled back. Matt glanced up in confusion, mouth slightly agape.

"Matt doesn't have to apologise. That was not entirely unpleasant. Maybe if…you tried that again, it would be better," the young boy's voice never betrayed anything but the faint blush rising in his ghost white cheeks did. Matt had expected anything but this, yet he would willingly oblige Near any day and especially now.

Perhaps if Near had stayed on the floor playing with his puzzle, it never would have happened. Perhaps if Matt had made some offhand comment about his goggles and refused to remove them, it never would have happened. But Matt knew he was kidding himself there. The tension that stretched between them like a taut thread was becoming too obvious for them not to cut it with a swift action sooner or later.

* * *

Matt lay on his bed, head tucked underneath his pillow, silently mourning Mello's disappearance. Why hadn't his supposed best friend taken him with him? He had made a deal with Mello, damn it! But maybe it was better this way. Maybe it was better if he stayed at Whammy's just a bit longer. There was certainly at least one good reason to still be here. He heard a soft knock on the door, before it was pushed open to reveal a boy of about sixteen years all in white.

Near sat down on the bed carefully, his thin frame hardly making a dent in the surface. His voice was still quiet when he spoke but it was much deeper now and lacked his odd way of speaking that Matt had grown to love but which their teachers had not. "You're upset that Mello's gone?"

After stealing a furtive glance from his hiding place under the pillow, Matt emerged with a sigh. "Yeah." He tucked his arms under his head, silently inviting the other boy to lie down beside him and rest his snow white head on his chest as he so often did. Near liked listening to his heartbeat, the sound of him breathing. He didn't know why but it was somehow comforting to have the heavy warmth of Near resting against him. Lithe arms wrapped around his torso, and they stayed there in silence for awhile, with Matt's confusion and anger building with every passing second.

"Why'd he have to go, damn it! It changes everything!" Matt banged his fist loudly against the wall, releasing some of the anger that had been consuming him for days. Near gently grasped Matt's hand, pulling it away from the wall and winding the older boy's arm about his own neck.

"Mello wanted to go. He will call for Matt sometime," Near said calmly, slipping back into his old habits. Near always thought everything out logically, seemingly of emotion, and Matt knew what he said was true. When Mello needed him, he would beckon for him, safe in the knowledge that Matt would heed his call no matter what. Matt had made a deal, he had to stick to his oath but, feeling the soothing weight beside him, he wasn't sure this was actually what he wanted.

"I know, but then…I'd have to leave you," he said softly, his voice catching somewhere in the back of his throat. Twisting his other hand out from behind his head, he gathered Near into a tight hug, trying to hold him as close as he could. The future was too confusing, he didn't like it. He didn't want things to change, it had been good before.

"You knew that when you made the deal with Mello. Nothing remains forever," he stated impassively, the words becoming lost in Matt's shirt. Closing his eyes, Matt tried to shut out the cold, hard truth that Near was always able to say without any trace of feeling. It was an assumption that many people made, that Near was devoid of any real human emotion, and it was always, unfailingly wrong in Matt's eyes. Beneath the surface, Near was brimming with the fragility of the heart, if you could only look deep enough to discover it.

His beautiful angel was still human.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Nate, but I promised Mello I would go," he offered apologetically, standing hesitantly in the doorway of Near's room with a bag slung over one shoulder.

"I know." Near was standing with his back to him, watching the younger generation of Whammy's children playing outside the window. The bright light of day reflected harshly in his clear eyes. His voice never changed, "You must go."

"You know I don't want to go," he said in a quieter voice. Walking over to Near, he slid his arms around the other's waist, resting his chin on the boy's shoulder. Near did not move.

"You do want to go but you want me to come with you." Matt flinched, hating the way Near could read him so easily. "And I can't. L lost the game, now I must play the game. Near must catch Kira," he stoically repeated the mantra he had been told over and over since Mello's departure. He kissed Near's neck tenderly, afraid what words might do. He wanted to hold him, to protect him. He still seemed fragile but Matt knew that Near was strong; stronger perhaps even than both himself and Mello. Matt knew somewhere in his heart that Near would be the one to finally end this gruesome game. He had an innate sense of justice and the will to catch Kira.

With the only sigh he would perhaps ever allow himself in his life, Near gently rested his arms along Matt's, which still encircled his waist, taking the boy's hands tenderly in his own. They were old enough now to see the end coming but that didn't meant that they necessarily liked what they saw.

* * *

They met again by chance after several years had passed. All it took was one look, one touch, one small smile, one kiss, for everything to fall apart again.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Matt trailed the tips of his fingers delicately over Near's exposed porcelain skin, taking in every inch of him, knowing that he would have to leave again in the morning.

* * *

All these memories flashed before his eyes as the sound of gunfire filled the air.

He couldn't see the cops, blinded by the intense lights pointed towards him. He couldn't hear the yelling and screaming, it was all too far away. The pain seeped through him, consuming him as he lay against the car, barely breathing, blood oozing from various wounds.

Only his vivid memories appeared before him.

"_Once this Kira case is over, we'll be together again and everything will be alright. I promise. I love you, Nate." He pressed his lips softly to paler ones, breathing in Near's scent which was like a cold, crisp winter morning, only there was something so human about it too. _

_Near entwined his arms around the other's neck, staring at him with those dark, piercing eyes. They were so mournful now. "I love you too, Matt. But you know this isn't going to end well."_

Yes, he had lied. Of course he had known it would end like this. They both accepted the inevitable even as they struggled against it. But there was one thing that Matt had never lied about.

Enclosing his hand around blood stained dice in his pocket, he gasped in his last jagged breath. He had never lied to Near about loving him. Never.

* * *

Near knew that he was still alive, he must be since he could feel his heart beating so fiercely in his chest, but he was barely breathing. He knew this was how it would end, but even now he could not reconcile himself to the reality of the bloodied image on the television screen. He closed his eyes.

Game Over.

* * *

A/N:

Theme of the story is 'breathe in' so that's why you might see that phrase reoccurring a lot. Also, I've never read the manga, only seen the anime so I've just made up a lot of their history. Please forgive me for any mistakes. I know Matt switched from calling him Near to calling him Nate, but I didn't do it the other way because frankly Matt is a much nicer name than Mail.

Update 27/07/10: fixed up some mistakes, added some more detail


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